two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
