She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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