dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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