she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
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