I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
