walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
