I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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