Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
