He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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