apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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