If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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