my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
