Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
My ATM looks so different sober.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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