textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
