My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
