And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize