Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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