I CAN MOONWALK!
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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