I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
