i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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