i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I need to calm my uterus...
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
