why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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