Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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