I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
