Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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