oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize