Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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