i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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