At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
