Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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