the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
