the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
It's official drugs can't kill me
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize