I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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