and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
handjob tips. give me some.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
