I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
