I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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