Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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