You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
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