Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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