I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
