we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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