he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
