Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
