ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
