Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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