It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
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