I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
