I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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