Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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