I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
