i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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