i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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