Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
