Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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