My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
