Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize