I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
