I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Terrible idea I love it
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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