I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm so fucking centered right now
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
