So gin and wine won't be happening again
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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