i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
