Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
