Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
