its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
