I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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