The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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