i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
