I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
