Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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