I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
