She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
